Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
