I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
