A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
