Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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