Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
