Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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