i jhust puked up my retainher.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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