Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
