guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
