do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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