Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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