My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
