Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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