I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
