I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
