i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
