I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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