I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
