The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
