Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
