i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
