Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
