She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
