My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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