I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
