Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
