Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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