I just pynch a tree in the face
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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