Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
