So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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