i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
