I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I met the friendliest cop last night
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
