Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
