i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
