just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
