That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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