Did you just see the Batmobile???
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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