Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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