Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
