so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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