I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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