dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
