Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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