It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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