Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
