He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I did not marry a roomba.
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