he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
