i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
