who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
