Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
